wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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