so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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