How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
