Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
