I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
