I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
