Fine. I'll sleep in my office
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
