We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Randomize