I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
