I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
