I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
