You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
