I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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