I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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