why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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