A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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