i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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