What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
