Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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