giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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