The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
