i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
