I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
