question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
