So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
