I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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