My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
