Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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