You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
