awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
