i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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