there's paper in my vomit.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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