cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
