i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
