im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
