tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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