tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
