I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
