Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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