I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
