Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
