Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
