Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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