Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
