I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
