Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
