i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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