Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
