No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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