I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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