he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
