My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
