I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
