I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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