Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
